Happy Valentine’s Day from your divorce lawyer
February 14th, 2012
Yes, the irony is there. It is Valentine’s Day, and I am a divorce lawyer. In the spirit of the holiday, I thought I would share with you four marriage tips based on the hundreds of divorcing couples I have seen come through my office or I have seen in the Court system.
- Communication. It is simple yet extremely difficult. Generally, by the time people end up in my office their communication problems have caused some other significant problem, but the root of the problem remains the same. Make today the day you make your Valentine’s Day resolution to improve your communication skills. If your partner has complained about something in the past, make today the day that you embrace that complaint regardless of whether you believe the complaint is valid.
- Sex. Let’s talk about it . . . . a happy couple needs frequently, physical contact. Some people feel unconnected without it; some people feel unloved without it. I cannot tell you the number of people who walk into my office and say that they have not had sex with his or her partner in over six months or over a year. Trust me, this will be a problem that will show itself in some other manner in your marriage. So talk about it . . . and do it.
- Don’t make the kids the center of your relationship. I know that sounds odd, maybe even inappropriate. Your children benefit from the marriage, so keeping the marriage going is crucial. Let your kids know that even though they are important, your partner is just as important. So, have date nights and plan vacations without the kids. Your children benefit from seeing the strength of your relationship.
- Discuss the finances and reach an agreement. Money is the number one cause of divorce, but the fundamental issue is really related to tip 1. You have to communicate about everything especially the finances. People show up in my office and say that his or her partner puts them on a strict budget or his or her partner spends way too much each month. This lack of a joint plan creates stress and disagreement for a couple. Sit down and talk about the finances, and do not let someone pass the buck on the issue.
I am neither a therapist nor a researcher. My tips are based on my observations of why marriages have ended based on what clients have shared. I wish you all a Happy Valentine’s Day and hope you use this day to reflect on how to improve your relationship over the other 364 days in a year.
